Hey, Maxwell!

Professor Tanhauser · Hey, Maxwell!

Like, where can a guy with a fairly large noggin pick up a decent black beret at a decent price? Mind if I ask where you got yours? Do any chain stores carry a decent selection at a decent price?

I'd like to get a beatnik style beret, not so much a military style one, dig? And it's got to be as black as a raven's wing.

Poe Man Poe

Can I get a drink in here, or what?

Professor Tanhauser

Uhm yeah. Say, Poe, when you're replying to a post, it's, like, customary to make a post that is in some way, you know, relevant to the post, dig?

Poe Man Poe

hey man, customs kill message boards. get hip to the trip. be groovy. dig ya later.

billy braindead

dude im not sure what stat your in but if you have any army navy surplus stores around you you can usually pickone up for about 15-20 bucks. along with alot of other cool random crap. Like my jacket. HOORAY!

Maxwell Truth

Well daddio, if you have a really large noggin you might want to consider a ten gallon hat instead. (look at what it did for Hoss on Bonanza)
But if you are hell bent on the beret, fear not. There are many sources for inexpensive beat style head gear. First and foremost I would check out your local haberdashery or thrift shop. Not only would you be supporting a local entrepenuer, you might find a real bargain. If you have no success or have an aversion to putting pants on to go outside of your domicile, you might try the following sources:

www.Hats4You.com
www.delmonicohatter.com
www.amazon.com

Let me know how the search goes. Better yet send us a photo of you wearing the results.
Keep watching the skies,
MT

moleman

Hey Maxwell.
Please return my weekwacker.

Poe Man Poe

[quote="moleman"][color=green]Hey Maxwell.
Please return my weekwacker.[/color][/quote]

I don't believe you've ever owned a weedwacker. I do, however, believe that you have a blender.

moleman

The blender is broken. Pruno smoothies did it in.

Poe Man Poe

I kneeled at the obolisk and pulled back the curtains in Mrs. Peters' living room. The solid glass coffee table was smeared with remnants of last night's pudding. I made a run at the door but she suddenly awakened as the talking head on Channel 5 said "Hey, Maxwell." She snatched me back from my attempt to escape. I thought I should report this on this thread. I'm just sayin'. hey. maxwell. and then some.

moleman

I was walking down liberty ave and a guy in a funny uniform accosted me. "psst.. need a black beret" he said. Next thing I knew I signed some papers and he handed me two berets and orders for Iraq.
It's not worth it. Just sayin.

Poe Man Poe

I believe I spotted Maxwell walking through the Liberty Tunnels. He was wearing a camo beret and a 'Good to the Last Drop' T-shirt. I yelled, "Hey Maxwell!", but there was no response. Perhaps it was someone else who just happens to enjoy a stroll and a cup o' joe.

moleman

Again on Liberty Avenue, a man staggered out of the alley behind Church Brew Works as I was walking by, a woman followed him and slurred that he was "good to the last drop". Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Just off of Liberty Ave. at 4th, onna Sunday, I see a guy with a a soiled beret with 'Got a Nickle?' written on with Magic Marker or maybe a Sharpie. I give him a five dollar bill because I'm thinkin' he's gonna need more than a nickle to get a potable cup a java, but instead of just takin' the stickey fiver, he bitches sayin' something about "it wasn't even good past the first drop." I'm thinking this had to be Maxwell.

moleman

Hitchhiking. Right outside the Liberty Tubes. Holding out a black beret trying to catch the nickels being thrown to him from passing cars. I threw a half eaten Primantis at him. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Spooning with Rachel Ray in the back seat of a '59 Rambler while parked behind the abandoned Tastey Freeze on Rt. 66 in Delmont. You know, where the "Kill for Thrill murders took place in 1979... wearing blue clam-diggers with the smart looking two-tone stripes down the sides. Maxwell?

moleman

On East Carson St near that place with the luxx sign out front. Wearing one piece long johns with the rear flap open and playing an accordian. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Preparing a proper gimlet whilst straddling a trapeze suspended from girder # 34 of the Roberto Clemente Bridge during morning rush hour. With just the tip out. Maxwell?

moleman

Monroeville Mall. In the Mr Rogers exhibit. Wearing a zip up sweater and nothing else. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Sizing-up the loading dock behind Conrad's Catering in Homestead. Timing the delivery guy. Weighing options in regard to heisting the Smenzter Family Reunion stuffed cabbage delivery. Only the ball sack out. Maxwell?

moleman

At Candyrama. Heisting Malted Milk Balls. Half the sack stuck in the zipper.

Poe Man Poe

At the Piggly Wiggley roller skating rink. Size twelves. Holding the rail during the Hokey Pokey. Vomitus on his polo shirt. Maxwell?

moleman

Under the 40th st bridge. Wearing a Hardees wrapper for a hat. Tattoo on the left buttocks. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Working the sloppy joe ladle at the Garfield soup kitchen. Joe all down the front of his filthy apron and Hawkwind blaring loudly from a Sony Walkman (cassette). Maxwell?

moleman

Jubilee Soup Kitchen. Third in line. Seat of pants newly sewn. Strong odor of Sloppy Joes.

Poe Man Poe

Stealing the yellow crime-scene tape from the train station in Greensburg, the site of an apparent triple homicide. Wearing a filthy 'I Dump in My Sleeep' t-shirt. Maxwell?

moleman

Eides Comic Shop. Hiding behind a stack of Little Lulus. Eating a foot long and doing a soft shoe. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Three Brother's Plumbing. Thumbing through a box of used 'O' rings and the March '99 edition of 'Plumber's Crack Monthly'. Maxwell?

tiny

Sauntering through Pittsburgh Mills mall, trying to appear nonchalant, yet exuding apprehension. Satin pumps, wedding style, undyed and possibly stolen. Daisy Dukes and a greasy sleeveless t-shirt. Traditional African Kofia adorning his head like a crown. Ticket stub in hand. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

[quote="tiny"][color=orange]Sauntering through Pittsburgh Mills mall, trying to appear nonchalant, yet exuding apprehension. Satin pumps, wedding style, undyed and possibly stolen. Daisy Dukes and a greasy sleeveless t-shirt. Traditional African Kofia adorning his head like a crown. Ticket stub in hand. Maxwell?[/color][/quote]

This is the funniest sh*t I've ever read. I'm having a pleasant seizure over here.

Poe Man Poe

Tucking and kneeling down on a "Fifteen Toes" skateboard with recently lubricated bearings while abruptly screaming , "I still want gash!" and sporting a T with "Stumpy" printed on the front in amber on pink. A halfling but still with a di*k. Maxwell?

moleman

At the Mt Lebanon Jiffy Lube. Waiting to get his Vega serviced. Wearing urine stained Maulers sweats and eating a Mars bar. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Working the Agway on RT 119 in Greensburg. Steer-gonad removal department. Eyeing a seemingly endless suppley of the little green rubber bands. Scheming. Maxwell?

moleman

At the Crazy Mocha Coffee Company this morning. Arguing with the counter help about the lack of fresh dog's milk for his Latte. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

At the audition for "Who's Lips Are These". Trying for the part of Ethal. Torn filty t-shirt with a caricature of Fonzie on the pocket. Maxwell?

moleman

Childrens museum. Playing with the Mr Rogers Puppets. X the owl and King Friday. Wearing a shirt with the name tag "Shirley" and asking if the cafeteria serves dog's milk. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Rifling the condom machine in the NAPA Auto Parts store mensroom on 9th in New Kensington. Looking for a blue "ribbed for her pleasure". The sound of queefing coming from the end stall. Maxwell?

tiny

Clinging to the underside of the 28B Fairywood bus om Steuben St., pants around ankles and wearing an inconguous hat made of phlox obviously purloined from the privet hedge border surrounding St. Bart's. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Needling the manager of the Brentwood Subway for not putting out the free mints. Urinal puck in the back pocket of his Daisy Dukes like a can of snuff, but a urinal puck after all. Maxwell?

moleman

Filling his pockets with handfulls of free mints at the Hunan Palace. Puck shaped impression in the back pocket of his Dockers. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Ascending the southern most arch of the Roberto Clemente bridge with a lenghth of greased clothesline clenched between his teeth whilst humming "It's a Man's World" by James Brown. Maxwell?

moleman

Monroeville Mall PicWay. Wearing a t shirt that said "I ate a Mangler at Shemmies" and trying on a pair of Hush Puppies. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Thumbing through a series of discarded 'Happy Graduation' greeting cards in the dumpster behind the Hallmark store in Caste Village and contemplating aloud his intention to matriculate at the community college. Considering the co-ed dorm situation. Maxwell?

tiny

On the South Side in broad daylight, signing a clipboard-mounted petition proffered by a comely bohemian lass and her unpleasantly fragrant, ostensibly male companion. Something about seals. Or bears. Or the drink tax. Pretty sure he didn't know either, owing to th' ogling. Maxwell?

moleman

Federal Street. Pushing a shopping cart full of illegal, back alley Spatini and wearing a t shirt that said "I Got the Runs At Shemmies". Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Standing in line at the Blue Bonet Bakery in Homestead, home of the Burnt Almond Torte, fumbling his nubbin' through the hole in his pocket, pretending to be looking for loose change. Oogling the lady in the hair net. Maxwell?

moleman

Stuffing his face with a 12 incher behind the dumpster at the West View Subway, then going inside for a sandwhich and a moist towlette. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Pawning a gross of condoms and eyeing the burglar alarm system at Mann's Pawn Shop on 5th. Sporting a "I Had the Mangler at Shemmies" T-shirt (V-neck). Maxwell?

moleman

Wearing pink flip flops and Bermuda shorts and sorting through the used T-shirts at the Red White & Blue second hard store. I believe he selected a soiled V neck. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Ladling out my creamed chipped beef on toast this morning in the Rainbow Kitchen chow line and then licking his thumb after dipping it in my food. Maxwell? What a thumber.

tiny

Wedged under the Parkway East on-ramp overpass in Monroeville. Appeared to be wearing several of those Sumo wrestler costumes one atop the other so that his head appeared miniscule when compared to the vast bulk of his hulking form. Somehow still managed to have it out. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Behind the Palace Theater in Greensburg foisting Prudential insurance forms signed in red Crayola on unsuspecting passersby. Breath fuming of kerosene and bilge. Walkman cassette player clipped to his clothesline belt. The Cowsils Greatest Hits oozing from the headphones. Maxwell?

moleman

Changing the oil on a 78 Ford Futura at the Brentwood Jiffy Lube. Had it out. Lubed. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Sampling the complimentary mints at Hank Femur's Shank Emporium and Sausage Haus while being escorted from the premises due to not making a single purchase. Wearing a torn "Donde es Matt? tee shirt. Maxwell?

moleman

Sheetz on Route 119 in Youngwood. Yellow t shirt with "Prince of Space Rules" on the front and "Je t'aime Matt" on the back. Maxwell?

Matt

Cunt Repair Courthouse on 215 West. Creepily rubbing his hands together and mumbling to himself "Oh boy..." whilst scratching his many moles. Once asked me"How's it going?" Always wearing a pink Huey Lewis & the News tube top. Maxwell?

Matt?

Poe Man Poe

At "Coco Joe's" in the Bentleyville Ace Truck Stop and Lube. Not getting the coco, but instead, opting for the 'Wiped on the Curtains Special' and catterwalling about the condition of the mensroom, when he had obviously already let go in his Docker's flat fronts. Maxwell?

moleman

Monroeville Mall. Toy Galaxy. Fondling the elf from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Maxwell?

tiny

Lasciviously rubbing cheese in the Deli section at the Monroeville Gine Iggle. Attired in a grimy trenchcoat, a straw boater, leg warmers, and chucks. Was making a keening sound that rose in pitch each time his groping hand crested the apex of the Jarlsberg wedge. Smelled of the sea. Maxwell?

moleman

Walgreens in the Gimbels Plaza. Still wearing his tattered, reeking Halloween costume, Bobby or possibly Peter from the Brady Bunch. Eating handfuls of candy corn from a broken bag and humming the theme from Charles In Charge. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Flipping the pages of the 'Train to be a Moyl in 2 Easy Lessons' calendar at "Moisha's Bar Mitzvah Supply Shop" in Station Square and needling the associate about the smell of kippers emanating from the back room. Red Ked's and a piss stain down the front of his hip-huggers. Maxwell?

moleman

Middle of the 40th Street Bridge. Urinating off the side while reading the lastest issue of "Cat Fancy". Maxwell?

tiny

Starlite Lounge in Blawnox, half-seated on a barstool, interrogating Moondog about his hair product rather than the pierogies. Lit, but unsmoked, Virginia Slim betwixt ring and middle on the left hand, enormous ash teetering toward dissolution. Faux-hawk. Smell of capers. Crocs. Sweat-short cut-offs soiled color-ambiguous. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Nimbly plucking away at his pubes and mumbling, "That's gotta be an Ovaltine stain in there." whilst sharing a stall in the ladies room with Sasha Modine at the Rostraver Airport. Maxwell?

moleman

Walking down Forbes Avenue carrying what appears to be pube shavings in a small plasic baggy while whistling the theme song from "The Facts Of Life". Keys from what appears to be a 1977 LeCar dangling from his belt.
Maxwell?

moleman

Lavender AMC Pacer. Hood up, broke down in the middle of the Squirrel Hill tunnels, outbound. Driver wearing a yellow sweatsuit with a picture of Ricky Schroder on the back and screaming into his cell phone "It's under warranty!" Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

The Large Hotel in Large, Pa. Not the Large Hotel in Burma...yellow parka stained with fecal material and issuing an odor not unlike that which would emanate from rotting meat hanging in a Peking store front....one gray Puma and a red Keds on the other foot...an "I Like Ike" pin secured to the rubber lapel...a quivering voice could be heard uttering, "They took my Give-A-Show projector." Maxwell?

Zoltan

The "Ted Nugent" Terminal at Detroit Metro Airport. Red knit Cap and Matching Scarf, Gabardine Raincoat stained with Yellow Mustard and yelling "This way to the Love Bone".......Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Straining a molding Lipton teabag through a stream of urine issued by a professional prostitute into a Corelle Micro-Ready coffe cup in a condemned motel in downtown Belle Vernon, shoehorn auging at he blister on his heel....Maxwell?

moleman

Being escorted from Monroeville Mall by security for lingering too long on Santa's lap and requesting an "MCO" job behind the engineers shack for the kiddy train. Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

Incessantly gouging at his rectum with a standard barbeque implement not unlike one that a professional barbeque implement salesman would drop to the ground if he happened to be stuck on the base of his skull with a tire iron in an alley behind a place called "Lucky's Maxwell?