Who Horked In My Penny Loafers?

Poe Man Poe · Who Horked In My Penny Loafers?

Some say it was pixies.

moleman

Conrad Brooks?

Poe Man Poe

Nancy Faber of Eberhard/Faber fame?

moleman

Theodore Schwann.

Poe Man Poe

Charles Proteus Steinmetz?

moleman

I submit that it was Don Cannon. While on a bender. with Paul Long.

Poe Man Poe

A dug-up Paul Shannon. He was known to hork unexpectedly and with much vehemence. Prick.

moleman

Cardille. and possibly Shumway. Horkers.

Poe Man Poe

Definately Shumway. Horks in his sleep.

moleman

Bill Currie. Sweet Old Bill indeed.

tiny

Susan Underhill. Well-known horker.

Poe Man Poe

moleman

Bob Keeshan?

Poe Man Poe

I'm told it may have been 'tiny' what horked in my penny loafers.

moleman

I didn't want to say anything, but yes, Tiny has been known to hork. Penny Loafers, Wintips, Saddle shoes...

Poe Man Poe

I mailed a letter to 'tiny' insisting that he cease and desist horking on men's footwear.

moleman

I believe I saw Tiny yesterday. He was walking out of Sammies Take A Way N' At in Bloomfield. He was holding his stomach. Runs?

Poe Man Poe

There have been sightings of 'tiny' all over the city- in stairwells of abandoned buildings where he may or may not have been peeing; inside laundromats stealing wet clothing; outside the rear entries of various retail outlets eyeing the alarm systems; avoiding his postal worker. I dunno. I hope he gets the letter I sent him. My footwear has never been the same since the horking incident.

moleman

May I suggest Jack Horkheimer? Or is that too obvious?

Poe Man Poe

I haven't been able to stomach the likes of Horkheimer since the time he hung up on John Cigna while on the air. Evidently, he took exception to John's description of the Halle-Bopp comet guys as "nut jobs". Horkheimer took this to be a reference to castration. Horks in his sleep, that one.

moleman

Since you brought it up, as I was walking by the Jubilee Soup Kitchen this morning a filthy, reeking hobo accosted me and asked me if I wanted a "Nut Job". Cigna? Horkheimer? Maxwell?

Poe Man Poe

I scraped away dried layer after dried layer of hork from my left pennyloafer. At lenghth, a message in sanskrit was revealed. My hands trembled a bit as the translator looked up at me and said, "It says, 'Matt'."

moleman

I was was perusing the ladies pumps at Penneys yesterday, I noticed a young fellow acting suspicious. I'm sure I saw him hork in some strapless heels. Matt?

Poe Man Poe

I was trawling the aisles at the Pay Days adjacent to Grant's in the Tri-County plaza in Belle Vernon. I was considering the nuances of a pair of cleated patent leather brogans when I discerned the sound of someone horking in the adjacent aisle. I remember thinking, " He'd probably prefer the red wing-tips." Matt?

moleman

Pic N Pay. Monroeville Mall. Horking sound detected in ladies athletic shoe aisle. I ran around to discover a newly horked in pair of Nikes. I caught of glimpse of someone running away. He was wearing stone washed jeans and pink flip flops. Matt?

Poe Man Poe

I was using the men's room in Sasha's Florsheims on Penn Ave. when I heard low moaning emanating from the airduct next to toilet in the second stall. I brushed away what seemed like fecal matter and stretched out on the floor in an attempt to look through a hole into the basement. In the dim light I could see a guy in pink flip flops handcuffed to a radiator and Sasha standing over him with one of those things that measure feet. He tried to scream, but the sound was all muffled due to the size 12 Hush Puppy which was duct-taped to his mouth. It could have been maybe a size 11 but looked larger because it was covered in fresh hork. Matt?

Matt

While I can't account for my whereabouts for much of the last several months (too much time travel), I'd like to believe me innocent of these horrid crimes. That said, could you describe said hork to me?

Please don't say it resembled bloody salsa.

*Hangs head in shame*

Poe Man Poe

The hork was comprised of 99% bloody salsa. In the bask of neon coming from the windows of The Apache Bar and Grill (again, they don't serve food), one could discern an image of Yves Montand dressed in bermuda shorts and sandals.

tiny

Shoe-horkers abound in these troubled times. The urge to hork on a pair of pristine mules in Little's Squirrel Hill can be nearly irresistible. Especially given the proximity of multiple high-grade Thai restaurants in the immediate vicinity. Saffron.

moleman

May I recommend the humble flip-flop for ease of cleaning after a horking? Simply insert in sink and spray. Or use any nearby garden hose.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Poe Man Poe

I have used my neighbor's garden hose and still, I am unable to remove the hork from my penny loafers. My neighbor has warned me about using things on his property. His wife encourages me to take whatever I want. Last night, while he was at work, I used his toothbrush. His wife said it was ok. Then she sh*t in my brand new wing tips. I know who sh*t in my Florsheims. She'll pay and pay for this.

Poe Man Poe

Last evening, during dinner, the doorbell rang. A man in a cheap pin-stripe and smelling of Aqua-Velva presented with hooks for hands. On each hook he sported bronzed baby shoes. "Bronze yer kid's shoes, Mister? Only $35.00 a pair, or two pairs for $65.00"

"I don't have children. However, I do have a favorite pair of penny loafers that I would like to keep forever.” I responded.
When I showed him the shoes he jacked the price to $40.00. I thought it was due to the size twelves, but hook-hands explained, "I gotta charge extra 'cause someone horked in these shoes."

"Yeah, I have tried to get the hork out, but nothing seems to work."

With a look of genuine concern, hooks said, "I've seen this before. There's just no getting rid of the hork."

"Will the bronze show off the chunks of cookie dough and gummy bears in the hork?” I asked.

"Absolutely.", he responded.

I admonished hooks, "Don't try to steal my horked penny loafers, or I'll hunt you down and kick you in the dick."

"I wouldn't do that sir, and please don't dick kick my dick. I have a hook there too." At this remark, my wife left the dinning room table and showed considerable more interest in having something bronzed. I went back to my Banquet Fried Chicken Deluxe TV dinner while she stood on the porch for several hours outlining her preferences for the bronzing of some of her precious items.

Bronzed horked penny loafers. I just gotta have. He told me he would have them back to me next week and that if I'm not at home, he will just give the bill to my wife.

Sir Richard Pumpaloaf

Here are couple of suggesttions for hork-removcal

http://www.indiamart.com/company/911118/#

http://www.casttv.com/search/tags:hork/2

tiny

The Cyanuric Acid looks promising.

Poe Man Poe

Tri-County Plaza Pic-Way in Belle Vernon. I was thrown out of the Grant's Dept. Store for lingering in the ladies finery aisle for 4 hours, so I decided it was time for new shoes. I made my way through the Beatle boots and found a reasonably priced and sensible looking pair of new brogans. I was out of the store for not more than 30 seconds when a slender man in a cheap, brownish trench coat ran up to me and horked all over the tops, and especially in the laces with a copiousness which is unable to be described in terms of gallons or pounds. New brogans. Horked upon. Fu*k me.

Sir Richard Pumpaloaf

Moleman perhaps?

Matt

moleman

I avoid the Pic Way in Belle Vernon exactly for this reason. I believe there is even a shop there called "Horkers, We Have What You Need".

Sir Richard Pumpaloaf · Loafer Horking Reported in Beijing

http://communities.canada.com/ott...-wouldn-t-talk-about-horking.aspx

I heard Moleman was spreading a rumour that he seen Matt and Zoltan purchasing tickets from Cathay Pacific just before this incident, the plot thickens.

Sir Richard Pumpaloaf

http://www.facebook.com/people/Horking-Hu/1185852554
http://www.myspace.com/shadowsofthesun
http://www.facebook.com/people/Hork-Ulot/1301692469
http://geekswithblogs.net/mschmidt/archive/2004/06/15/6702.aspx

And regarding Hork Ulot, are those pics his friends or victims? Opinions please

Matt · Re: Loafer Horking Reported in Beijing

Zoltan

There Ain't No Horking Like Detroit Horking Because Detroit Horking Never Stops

Poe Man Poe

My wife reports to me that her father once had a perfectly good pair of Etonic golf shoes horked into whilst spending a night in Detroit during the spring of '83. Zoltan. A horking duffer.

Sir Richard Pumpaloaf · Pomeranians Hork too

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Dogs-P...eird-horking-sound-submissive.htm

Who Horked In My Penny Loafers?

Loafer Horking Reported in Beijing

Re: Loafer Horking Reported in Beijing

Pomeranians Hork too